Dear Mom

I broke this week.

Just, totally broke.

It was silly, really.

My pretty little big girl colored me a picture.

Not anything special, really, just a picture she colored of a doll.

Not even a fancy doll, just one that caught her eye in a coloring book

But somehow, somehow she knew.

She informed me that it was “to help me remember Nini by” because “it was pretty.”

And I just….

I just broke.

I don’t think it was the picture, not really.

You’ve just been on my mind a lot lately.

Not that you’re ever far from my mind.

But it seems lately that everything we do reminds me of you.

From something I say that I learned from you, that of course I swore I would never say…

To the kitchen reno we finally finished.

Boy you’d be proud of how we did that kitchen mom.

I so wish you could be here to see it.

And every time we do a math page in school it makes me think of all those times you suffered through math with me.

Looks like your oldest grandchild got your head for numbers.

I’m pretty thankful for that.

How you’d chuckle if you could see me now, trying to teach someone else math.

We have a new rug too, in the hallway. Somehow without even trying it’s the same color scheme your bedroom always was.

Dark blue and white.

I see and smell and feel the inside of the antique shop you loved every time I walk down it.

I laugh every time I bake a cake, because that was your favorite!

It’s not a party unless there’s cake, you always said.

If only people knew how seriously you meant that.

You’d get such a kick too out of your only grandson, and how much he’s stretching me these days.

I never knew how so very mischievous and wild a little boy could be.

You’d just smile and tell me it was good for me, I know it.

The same way you’d laugh about me having such a girly girl daughter, the total opposite of myself.

Just like you and I in reverse.

And every time I look at the baby I think how she’s the only life in our family that you never got to touch.

I promise she’ll know who you are, even if she never got to meet you.

We gave her your middle name, you know.

So, I don’t think it was that picture after all.

Boy I miss you mom.

I miss your laugh, I miss your humor.

Heck, I even miss you telling me off for any number of things.

Most of all I miss your wisdom. Your encouragement.

Your company.

Shopping trips and lunch dates and someone to tell me that I’m not going to go completely crazy now that I have kids and no that rash is totally normal and it’s ok that you don’t look like a 21 year old anymore and to remember every-so-often

To just breath.

It’s true though, what people say, and there are slowly more good days than bad ones.

But

This week was a rough one.

I can’t count the amount of times I have paused in front of your picture over the last two and a half years and wondered how you could possibly be gone.

And so, I just

Broke.

This sharp pain will dull again, I know.

But I thought you should know that I miss you.

Even on the not so bad days

I sure do miss you.


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