‘Twas the night before
The week before the week before the week of Christmas…

Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Except for three young children who needed a drink of water and help fixing a Lego truck and oh the baby is hungry again mommy I need to go potty!

The stockings where hung by the chimney with care
Well actually on a low mantle because otherwise the two year old might pull the stocking holders down and smash his face.

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
But Santa isn’t real and someday I’ll get to be the parent of THAT kid who ruins it for some other kid. Oops.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
Not snug enough because someone needs to be tucked in again and oh my gosh mommy why do I keep seeing these strange dancing candies whenever I close my eyes??

And mamma in her kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
On the couch. Because we were both too tired to actually crawl into bed.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Those dang mice in the garage again somebody reset the trap will you?

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon, on the breast of the new-fallen snow, gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
Oh great more snow now we’ve got to go shovel the driveway.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
Hey Hun I think the neighbors got a new vehicle. Looks like it runs like a deer!

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
Shouldn’t there be an age limit on flying a sleigh?

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: “Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
And to think I can’t even keep the names of my three kids straight.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, so up to the house-top the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys – and St. Nicholas too.
Man, Amazon is really stepping up their game this year.

And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
Hun I think there are squirrels on the roof, somethings making an awful clattering noise.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
Can we please try and not get that all over the carpet I just vacuumed and I really don’t have the time or energy to do it again…

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
If any of those toys make noise, Santa, I’m coming for you.

His eyes how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry; his droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
Hey Santa hook a girl up with your skincare routine?

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
Now what kind of example is that for the children?

He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly. He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf; and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
#dadbod

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
Other than, you know, this strange man suddenly showing up in my fireplace. Somebody call the cops?

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
Can you teach my kids how to do that?

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk, and laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
Either I’m delirious from lack of sleep or we need to get our chimney looked at, because something isn’t right here.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
Seriously where did this man get his license?

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
Finally I can go to bed oh wait –

the baby’s up.