If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you may recall that three years ago (to the day actually) my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
Ever after hearing it for three long years it’s still such an ugly word to me.
It’s definitely not a word that brings up any warm or fuzzy feelings. In fact, most days that word brings a cold, hollow feeling to the pit of my stomach.
And it often brings with it difficult and painful thoughts and emotions.
Thoughts like, is God still faithful through all this?
And emotions like those of frustration or fear.
Of course, the obvious, biblical, Bible thumping, God fearing answer is yes He is still faithful, and my frustration and fear need not exist at all.
But I am finding as I walk though this that it is significantly easier to say those things than to truly believe them.
As many of you know, my mother’s saga (like many others) hasn’t been without its ups and downs. One minute it looks like there is major improvement, and the next we are prepping her for some unexpected surgery. I could spend pages on this blog detailing her journey thus far.
And it’s frustrating.
I find myself some days angry that my mother has to deal with this burden.
What did she ever do to deserve this?
Where is the justice?
Where is God?
Is He still faithful when the world seems too much to bear.
Usually immediately following these thoughts there comes an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
After all, the Bible says His plan is perfect. He is sovereign.
He is God, so why would I question? Why do I doubt?
I have had days where I bang my hands on the table and shake my fists at the sky.
There have been days where I have more tears than smiles.
Days where I physically shout out loud “where are You??!”
I get angry. I get sad. I get scared.
Is He still faithful.
I have also learned throughout this journey that it is at my lowest points, those weary and tear stained moments on my knees, that God becomes all the more powerful to me.
It’s sad, that sometimes it takes such pain, but to be completely transparent that is my truth.
Psalm 107:1a has been rolling around in my mind lately:
“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.”
He is good.
It doesn’t say He is good when life is easy.
It doesn’t say He is good when I remember He is there.
It doesn’t say He is good when.
It says He is good.
He is good when life is easy.
But He is also good when life seems to stab you in the back.
He is good when cancer becomes intertwined into your life story.
He is good.
He is good when my faith is so weak I cannot stand.
He is good.
The path my life will take is not filled with my decisions. I do not get to decide if my mother will see healing from cancer in this life.
I do not get to choose whether or not I will have some other trial jump into my life.
That is His decision.
And no matter what happens, it is good. Because He is good.
Yes, it is good.
Psalm 107:1 goes on to say that His love endures forever.
And this is so very encouraging to me.
Because in my weakest moments I am not lovely.
I am not the least bit worthy of being loved.
But He is good, and His love will endure forever. And will endure through my anger.
And my fears.
And my doubts that He is faithful.
Because He is good.
He IS faithful.