“You know what really burns my butt???” *pause* “A flame about so high.”

“I guess I should be thankful that the only thing wrong with me is that I’m ugly.”

“My hands are getting smaller and my butt is getting bigger.”

“So” *pause* “Sorry I need a minute, this [candy bar] is just so good.”

“I haven’t wanted to get out of bed one day this week.”
“Well, at least you’re consistent.”

*unwraps second lollipop*
“I’m going to need a double.”

“That’s about as helpful as a screen door in a submarine…”

“That’s like having your nails done but you don’t have any fingernails!”

“Did you hear about the woman who wanted to take a milk bath? When she called the milk man and told him he said ‘do you want that pasteurized?’ And she said ‘no, just up to my knees is fine.'”

“It’s funny that they even have one of these [lollipop] with Joe’s* name on it.”
“What does it say??”
“Dum dum.”

*Name changed for the sake of anonymity